Hotel du Fancy

Hello, Fabulous Fancies!

When I started this blog nine (Yes, nine! How can it be?) it was with the intention of offering a few thoughts about the etiquette of the sorts of social situations that crop up from time to time.  Chief among them was a post about the business of houseguesting.  As you will see, it turned into something of an epic, a magnum opus, if you will, and somewhere along the line, life and other posts got in the way, but now, after almost a decade, I give you, Miss Fancy’s guide to being an excellent houseguest!  

Most of us will, at some point, find ourselves staying in the homes of friends or family members. This is a tricky business, and one on which friendships can be sorely tested. And so, we at Miss Fancy Says… want to help you to do everything you can to ensure that you will always be welcome ever after.

Now, I firmly believe that there are two kinds of travellers – the kind who are keen to stay with other people, and the kind who are not. Now, I must admit here, I fall absolutely into the ‘if people want the pleasure of our company in their home, they’ll suggest it’ camp. But this is, of course, not the case for everybody, and so, if you do happen to be somebody who likes to live in with the locals whilst on holiday, we present for your edification, Miss Fancy’s top tips on how to be a fabulous houseguest.

Rule #1 – ask first! Don’t book holiday time, or worse, flights, without asking your potential hosts if it’s convenient. And if you get even the slightest hint that it isn’t, withdraw gracefully, without taking offence. After all, a hotel will tell you when there’s no vacancy – why not allow your hosts to do the same thing? A good way of avoiding awkwardness, is to mention that you’re thinking of visiting their home city for a few days. If they then offer to put you up, all well and good, but if no such invitation is forthcoming, get ready to start looking for hotels! Think of it this way; you’d be unlikely to invite yourself for dinner at a friend’s home, so apply the same principle to staying in their home.

Rule #2. Remember the very wise words of Benjamin Franklin who sagely pointed out that house guests, like fish, begin to go off after three days. Be clear about how long you’re intending to say, and ascertain whether or not that’s appropriate. Really, two or three days really should be the maximum time, but if it absolutely needs to be more, then by all means, sound your hosts out about it. 

The Out-of-TownersLet us spare a thought here for the many brave men and women who move overseas, or even to rural areas. Having found the courage to up stumps and begin to build a new live in foreign (or fronded) climes, they will often suddenly find themselves inundated with house guests. Yes! They will become the holiday destination du jour! 

So, do think twice before inviting yourself to visit your friends in Paris, London, New York, Burleigh Heads, or East Geelong, as the case may be, because it seems like an ideal holiday destination, costing not much more than air fare/bus fare/petrol. Not only might this be expensive and disruptive for your hosts, but may severely challenge their opportunities to build foundations in their adopted homeland, because they end up spending much of their spare time showing guests the sights, rather than doing anything new themselves.

Try to see it from your hosts’ point of view – it’s so hard to really get a foothold with the local light operetta company, if you’re forever traipsing round the Big Pineapple, as majestic as it is. You’ll never find yourself wowing a church hall full of enthralled onlookers with your rendition of Three Little Maids from School, if you’ve spent all your weekends at Sovereign Hill.

Would you really want to stand in the way of your hosts’ dreams? Would you?
The point is, people are polite, and doubtless, if they are moving to a new town or country, (particularly one with ‘holiday’ potential) will have assured their friends that they’d love a visit. If you are going to take up this well-meant offer, do remember to give them at least six months to settle in first, and, when you initially float the idea of coming to stay (observing Rules 1 and 2 in the process), if you get even the merest hint that your hosts aren’t keen, or are even vaguely hesitant, don’t pursue the idea, or be prepared to stay in a hotel.

Rule #3. You fit in around them, not the other way around. What this means is, if they get up at nine on weekends, so do you. If you’re an early riser, then stay in your room and read, or quietly leave the house to do a thoughtful bit of grocery shopping. Similarly, if everyone else is already up, you get up, too. It’s not fair on your hosts to have to creep quietly around their own home, for fear of disturbing you. Obviously, if you’re staying somewhere through the week, and your hosts are not on holiday themselves, make very effort not to be underfoot while people are trying to shower, make lunches, coordinate school runs and just generally maintain their morning routine. When you start hearing ‘leaving’ noises, by all means amble out and bid your hosts a good day, blowing kisses and cheering them on, if you feel they’d appreciate it, but do allow them space and privacy to get ready for whatever that day holds. Remember, the luxury of keeping whatever hours you please while you travel is only available to those who stay in hotels.

Which brings me to Rule #4. Your host’s home is not a hotel. The clue here is that there won’t be mints on the pillow at night, and also that you’re not paying to be there. 
Presumably, part of the reason for staying with friends or family is that you are saving money on accommodation, but the sad fact is, it is probably costing your hosts money to have you there. (Personally, this is Miss Fancy’s biggest bugaboo… Mr Fancy and I don’t travel as often as we’d like because fares and accommodation are expensive, so when I find myself bankrolling other people’s holidays…let’s just say I’m far from thrilled.) So, try to be aware that feeding extra mouths costs extra money, that taking people out to see the sights is expensive, and that, under no circumstances, are things like extensive use of the wifi a little added bonus from your hosts. 

So, any sightseeing you do ought to be paid for by you. Don’t offer your host money for petrol if they’re driving you around – while they’re pumping, you should be inside paying. Most people find it hard to accept money when it’s offered, so eliminate the middle man. Very few hosts will want money for general utilities, though if you’re staying for anything upwards of five or six days, you really must suggest that you contribute. 
Do offer to do a grocery run if you’re staying for more than one or two nights, and definitely at some point, a meal must be provided by you, whether you take everybody out, bring food in, or buy the ingredients and cook it yourself. One meal at least. Non-negotiable. Never eat the last of anything without asking, always replace it if you’ve eaten in, and never leave crumbs in the butter. 

Rule #5. Pitch in. It goes without saying – or it ought to, at least – that you should offer to set the table, wash up after dinner, or do any other little chores that you can, to prevent your hosts from feeling like their workload has suddenly doubled. Don’t insist on doing things that your hosts like done a certain way, but really, there is very little harm that can be done standing at the kitchen sink.

Rule #6. Be considerate. If you do use the hosts’ phone or internet, whether it is costing them extra money or not, be as swift as you can. If one of more of your hosts work from home, treat the phone and internet (unless they’ve offered you their wireless password, and you can use it in another part of the house) as off limits during business hours. Check your Tinder on your own time. Similarly, limit the length of your showers.

Rule #7. Everybody lives differently, and if you’re in somebody else’s home, it’s not for you to comment upon their habits, or get involved in their domestic life. If people are kind enough to open their home to you, you stay out of their marriages, child-rearing policies, habits, routines and anything else that is nothing to do with you. 

Rule #8. No self-mythologising. You may consider yourself to be ‘not a morning person’ and therefore, cherish your inalienable right to be taciturn or heavily silent until about 10am. Perhaps you tend to get snappy if you haven’t had your evening meal by 6pm, or don’t feel like your day is complete unless you’ve had a few glasses of wine with dinner, regardless of whether or not your hosts are offering it. This simply won’t wash in somebody else’s home. 

Now, here at ‘Miss Fancy Says…‘, we’re all for putting on the occasional diva-like turn, BUT…behaviours like this are little more than a self-indulgence, and should never be foisted upon others. No moods or sulks, no expectation that other people’s routines will match yours, and always, always, take your leads about things like alcohol consumption from your hosts, especially if they have children. Ditto other recreational stimulants – just because you and your host smoked your university years away together, doesn’t mean that he or she will want you to break out the disco biscuits, and get all hepped up on goofballs in their home, several years and a couple of kids later.

Rule #9. Give your hosts a night off. This is especially important if you’re staying for more than two or three days. Go out for the evening so that they can catch up with each other, and perhaps, if they have children, offer to take the kiddy-winks out to a movie, or stay in and mind them, so that your hosts can have their own date. You will find that even the most frazzled hostess will perk up considerably after a couple of quiet Fluffy Ducks with her beloved, so consider this evening an investment in the general tone of your stay.

And while we’re on this topic, and as an addition to Rule #3, if you’re staying with people during the working week, give them time alone to regroup and debrief when they get home. Be ready to entertain yourself for an hour or so while your hosts swap war stories, catch up with each other and get a start on their evening routine.

Rule #10. Non-medical food weirdnesses. Most hosts will be sympathetic towards allergies, and go out of their way to provide ‘safe’ food. Ditto vegetarianism, but even in this enlightened day and age, accommodating your veganism may be a little too much to ask for. In any case, you must let your hosts know well before you arrive if you have any significant dietary restrictions. No point complaining once the Lobster Thermidor is already on the table. (N.B. Being fussy doesn’t count as a dietary restriction.) If you’re gluten intolerant (given that gluten is so common in so many foods) you may need to cook for yourself, and/or bring in your own groceries. If you’re a picky eater, you may need to get over yourself, so to speak.

Rule #11. Children. If you have them, and your hosts don’t, think very carefully about whether their home and lifestyle is geared for welcoming children. If it is, all well and good, but you must make sure that yours are perfectly behaved – not messy, not loud, not destructive, and not allowed to run amok. Cast your mind back to the time before your children came along, and try to remember how cute other people’s badly behaved offspring weren’t.

If your hosts have children (or even pets) and you don’t, it’s important to remember that, in your hosts eyes, their comfort comes before your own. Do not, under any circumstances, if your hosts are the owners of a charming moggie or two, feel free to share your hilarious thoughts on why you find cats ‘creepy’. You think they’ll understand. They won’t, and you’ll end up never being asked back. Trust me here – I speak the truth. 

Obviously, in the event that your children damage or break something belonging to your hosts, you have no option other than to replace/repair/dry clean as applicable.
As for babies, and here, I’m fully prepared to make myself unpopular, if you’re breastfeeding, do it in private, or under a nursing guard, unless you’re absolutely sure that this is appropriate in the home where you’re staying. This may be a natural and beautiful part of your life as a parent, but your hosts may not be comfortable with an exposed breast in their living room, or at their dining table. Their house, their call, and this is especially likely to be the case with older relatives.

Rule #12. Add ons. If you’re going to stay with elderly relatives, or families with younger children, don’t assume that you can bring along your latest paramour. Always check first, and be prepared not to be offended if separate rooms is the stipulation. If you do decide to indulge in a spot of nocturnal tiptoeing across the hallway for goodnight kisses, be prepared that if you are caught, you may, at best, incur a lecture about your host’s roof, and at worst, be asked to leave in the morning. Obviously, it is rude to bring any spare guest with you, without having secured permission. While you’re in somebody else’s home, it is also impolite to invite guests over without first checking, and, in this age of mobile phones, there’s no reason to hand out your hosts’ home phone number, either.

Rule #13. Noise – don’t make too much of it. For many years I worked mainly from home, and tend to spend my days without television or radio on, because I like the quiet. Now I must say here, that Mr Fancy tends to enjoy constant noise, so I’m very used to the fact that on evenings and weekends, there will be continuous music or radio commentary. I don’t always adore it, but it is his home too, and he has every right to be happy and comfortable in it. However, what we put up with from loved ones is not an indicator of what we ought to have to put up with from guests. 

Rule #14. Table talk. You may think that lively debates about politics, religion, ethics, and finance are stimulating and exciting. Generally, though, they’re boorish, unnecessary, and the foundation upon which true awkwardness is built. Ditto criticising your host’s home town or country. Don’t do it. Just don’t. We all fondly imagine that everybody reasonably shares our views on all things important, but often, even our closest friends can surprise us. So frequently, one person’s perception of lively and stimulating debate, is another person’s idea of the height of rudeness. And, nothing can make an already uncomfortable evening that whisker more unbearable than the knowledge that you’ll be catching up again the very next morning over your Rice Bubbles. Of all the theories of good house-guesting I’ve put forward, this is the one that it’s least sensible to test.

Rule #15. Manchester. Not the English city that gave the world the Stone Roses and Joy Division, but rather, bedding and towels. Don’t leave your damp towels hanging in your room, or worse, in a rotting heap on the bed or floor. Ask your host where you can hang them to dry in readiness for the next day. And on your last morning, strip your bed. This will be easy enough, because you’ll have made it every other morning before you set off for the day!

Rule #16. Be clear, be resourceful, and be understanding. If your hosts live in a big city, or in a popular tourist spot, they may have already seen the sights, and not really wish to do so again. Be ready to do this on your own, and prepared to work out ways of getting to places under your own steam. The flipside of this, is that your hosts may have quite the roster of activities planned, leaving little time for you to do what you want to. Be very clear from the outset about what you have in mind – if you have other friends living in the same area and want to have an evening with them, ask your hosts what a good night to aim for might be. Email is quite the boon for this – it’s so, so much easier to outline your thoughts electronically, rather than during an awkward phone conversation where everybody is tripping over themselves to assure each other that ‘we’ll fit in with you.’ If you’re hoping to spend a bit of time doing things without your hosts, feel free to say so tactfully.

Rule #17. Saying thank you. Upon your departure, do leave a small gift somewhere that your hosts will find it. For example, a nice bottle of wine, perhaps some luxe chocolates, maybe even a cinema or spa voucher if you think they’d appreciate that. And almost as soon as you return home, (pausing only to reunite with the cat and put your laundry in to soak) send a thank you note, remembering to lavishly praise your holiday destination, your hosts’ home, and your hosts themselves, for their hospitality and generosity.
So, next time you find yourself enjoying the hospitality of friends or family, just follow these Fabulously Fancy Tips, and you’ll be welcome forever after…at a time that’s convenient to your hosts, of course!

Safe travels, and have a Fabulously Fancy Day!

Love, Miss F xx