Today, we at Miss Fancy Says… tackle the perennial topic of small spaces, and what is expected of us when we are in them. Yes! Small spaces! Because we live in a world full of them – elevators, trains, aeroplanes, waiting rooms; relatively tiny, shared areas are everywhere! And what a tricky behavioural minefield they present.
Elevators are such a seemingly simple concept. They go up, they go down, dropping passengers off wherever they need to go. But is it that easy? Recently, a scandal took place in my very own home town! One of my Fabulous Fellow Fancies was attempting to exit an elevator when two young men rudely pushed past her! Yes! I couldn’t believe it either. A senseless social crime, and for what? Was any time saved? Did it make anybody feel glad to be alive? Would either of their mothers have been proud? No, no, and no! Not in the slightest!
Elevator etiquette is quite simple, and astoundingly easy to adhere to. No pushing, shoving, bouncing, pushing buttons unnecessarily, or talking loudly. And, as for the old practical joke where you walk in to a crowded elevator and then don’t turn around to face the front (thus disconcerting your fellow passengers, ha ha haaa!), don’t bother. It’s old, tired, and about as clever or original as asking telemarketers for their home phone numbers, so you can call them back when they’re having dinner. That is, not at all.
Trains, trams and buses are an absolute hotbed of appalling behaviour. Younger people not relinquishing seats to the elderly, pregnant or infirm! Music lovers having the volume on their listening devices set loudly enough that everybody is treated to a spot of early morning tinny reverberation. People not letting others alight the vehicle before they board themselves. Commuters holding loud mobile telephone conversations, generally involving the phrase “where are you” and the electrifying counter comment, “on the tram”. Travellers who’ve not thought ahead about the fact that they may be standing with an arm extended upward, thus putting their richly pungent underarm at somebody else’s nose level. Public transport certainly has it all.
Now, Miss Fancy will always, always advocate the putting forward of one’s best foot, both because it sets a good example, and also, for the reason that good behaviour tends to breed the same in others. However, occasionally, (and here, I mean very occasionally), one must enter into the fray! Obviously, all the standard rules about offering seats, keeping your music to a level at which only you can enjoy it, and keeping your underarms clean and stench-free, still absolutely apply, but there are others which can be flouted to your advantage.
If you must insist on using your mobile phone, do be considerate of others. Either keep it quiet and brief, or else, make it lengthy and engrossing! Yes! Scandals, plot twists, and juicy tidbits will make the trip so much more enjoyable for others, and also give then something to share at morning tea. The key here is, keep it reasonably realistic. So, no Bold and the Beautiful-esque plot twists involving dead people coming back to life, and turning up at funerals, or people accidentally marrying their fiancee’s evil twin. Just a few basic shock revelations, of the ‘so it turns out he was sleeping with her and her sister all along’ variety, spoken matter-of-factly to the person on the other end of the call, (and, indirectly, to everybody within a six-foot radius), will suffice.
There is also the matter of acceptable personal behaviour. Only a few days ago, a very dear friend of mine found herself on a long distance train ride, across the United States! Très chic! Or it would have been, had the woman next to her not continued to sniffle loudly the whole way. Eeeeuuww! We all get colds or suffer allergies, but really, there are such things as tissues in the world (Fancy Fact – tissues have been in use for centuries in Japan!) and even handkerchiefs, so surely this could have been taken care of. It wasn’t however, so what was my friend to do? Something more drastic was clearly in order.
In these situations, Miss Fancy suggests joining in. Sniffle even more loudly, clear your throat constantly, sing along to whatever’s coming through your earphones (especially if it’s a talking book or lecture – feel free to funk it up), ask your seat mate if they’ve heard the Good News, or, by far the most effective, mount a lengthy and concerted attempt to kiss your own elbow. This last gambit may even earn you a whole carriage to yourself.
Aeroplanes are, of course, another fancier, more expensive, form of public transport, although the rules are slightly different. For example, it is virtually impossible to hop off and wait for the next one along if you’re feeling too crowded, or the person next to you is attempting to kiss their own elbow. No, you’re stuck for the duration, so you may as well try to make the flight as comfortable for yourself, and your fellow passengers, as possible.
Obviously, some of the general public transport rules still apply – personal cleanliness, moderation of earphone noise overflow, and not attempting to involve yourself with others if they clearly do not wish to make a new friend.
That being said, air travel tends to be its own particular form of hell, with a whole set of other seemingly small interpersonal difficulties that can become quite large if they are to be endured for anything upwards of a few hours. Probably the most significant of these relates to seating. Who has custody of the armrest? When is it appropriate to recline your seat? What if I don’t have a window seat, but want a good view of the city lights as we’re coming in to land?
The answers to these very pertinent questions are, respectively: whoever seizes it first; never during food service, or on a modestly sized domestic craft, or during a flight of less than three hour’s duration; and bad luck.
The Fabulously Fancy jetsetter will always remember to attempt to share the armrest, and wouldn’t dream of leaning across other passengers to look out the window. But the real hallmark of the Truly Fancy, is in their attitude to reclining their seat. Not during ‘meal’ service is a given, as it is very hard for the person seated behind you to eat their ‘mashed potatoes’, ‘beef stroganoff’, or whatever other crude semblance of food the airline may be serving, if they are wedged in under their ribcage, or, in the case of the more buxom among us, coating the underside of their bust. Similarly, when taking a short flight on a ‘budget’ airline, who may be economising on seat size and leg room, it really won’t harm you to remain upright. If you must insist, however, on needlessly inconveniencing your fellow passengers, do check behind you first. If they are sleeping, you may proceed with caution. If they are reading, or have their tray table engaged, you really will just have to straighten your spine and cut your losses.
Fancy Tip: should the stars happen to align, and it is possible to recline your seat, do make sure that your scalp is neat and dandruff free, as the person behind you will surely be spending some of the flight inspecting it.
As for the window seat dilemma, there really is little to be done, except asking to be allocated one when checking in. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to lean across other passengers, so that you might get a glimpse of Sydney Harbour / the Las Vegas strip / your Nan’s house in Keilor East, as you’re circling the airport. If that’s where you’re headed, you’ll see it soon enough.
The Fancy traveller will also remember to take some form of protection on board with them. Here, of course, I am not referring to prophylaxis against unplanned parenthood, in the unlikely event that you might find the scent of airline loo sanitiser to be an aphrodisiac. No, here I speak of shielding oneself against unwanted social interaction. A book, music player, laptop or tablet device can be an excellent barrier to unsolicited airborne chit-chat. Games can also be an enormous help here, though beware the fellow passenger who wishes to join in. Here, I speak from bitter experience. Mr Fancy and I are partial to a spot of travel-sized Connect 4 or Battleship, even a few rounds of Hangman on long haul flights. Our particular favourite, though, is ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’. Or it was, until a drunken gentleman attempted to get involved. So now, we still play a version of the classic, but with modified rules and inclusions, which make joining in almost impossible. ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors, Fire, Water’ (played silently, and with elbows firmly tucked in at our sides, of course) has given us endless hours of fun. There used to be a ‘butterfly’ element, but it all got a bit upsetting once ‘fire’ and ‘scissors’ came into play.
Being Winter in Melbourne, the other reasonably confined space that we may find ourselves in, is the doctor’s waiting room. Here, it is very important to be mindful of all the usual ‘surrounded by strangers with a common purpose’ behaviours, but for slightly different reasons. Don’t sit too close to others, as you may catch what they have, or else, give somebody who is already vulnerable, what you’ve got yourself. If you happen to run into a friend or acquaintance, don’t engage them in lengthy conversation if they don’t seem keen or able, and absolutely no asking what they’re there for, as the answers to that question have unlimited potential for awkwardness.
If you happen to have small children there with you, please do make every attempt to keep them reasonably quiet, and away from things like automatic doors. There is nothing quite like the harrowing despair of nursing a really nasty flu, with all the shivering, head-pounding trimmings, while somebody’s enthusiastic toddler runs around shrieking, and frequently activating the exit mechanism of the doors, thus allowing a nice, strong, respiratory infection compatible draught in. And do also spare a thought here for those who are waiting for frightening test results and diagnoses, whose tenuous grip on calm may be sorely tested by a lot of noise.
Truly, library rules apply here, – it’s all about ‘inside’ voices and reading quietly. In fact, the Fabulously Fancy patient will always take their own reading material with them. Not only does this save on squabbles over the last copy of November 2009 Royal Auto, but gives you the chance to try out one of Miss Fancy’s own patented Quality Moves. Yes! You could consider leaving your copy of Take5 behind, for the comfort and enjoyment of others, proving that, while you may be sporting a Rudolph nose, streaming eyes and ‘pack a day’ voice, you are still naturally, indefatigably, Fabulously Fancy!
With love and best wishes for a Fabulously Fancy Day!
Miss F xox
Miss Fancy Says 